Mission: Maternal Mental Health

My “Why?”

The short version: I’ll be hosting and participating in a range of events in 2023, including the 2023 Sydney Marathon, as opportunities to raise as much money as I can for Gidget Foundation Australia. Please give generously. 

The long version: There have been many clever, witty, eloquent, beautiful, capable women in the public eye, who have spoken openly about their mental health struggles post having children. Jessica Rowe and Lisa Wipfli come to mind in an Aussie context; Louise Thompson in a British context. 

So why is it still difficult for so many of us to speak openly about this? Well, as these women have shared, there’s the guilt and shame. This is partly associated with a stigma and misunderstanding that still exists: that postnatal depression is linked to weakness and not being strong enough to persevere, rather than an illness related to the hormonal shift that happens when you’re incredibly sleep-deprived, pregnant and breastfeeding.

I know, because I had postnatal depression after my first, officially diagnosed at nine months postpartum, and I have struggled to talk about it openly until now. I knew since day one, because from day one I felt “off” and that feeling never left. It wasn’t just “baby blues”, and deep down I knew that.

I had a baby that woke me hourly (literally) from the moment he was born until we sleep trained him at seven months, and your mind goes to some pretty messed up places when you’re that sleep deprived. To say I wasn’t prepared for this is such a huge understatement.

He also had intense reflux, which meant that he lay on my chest while I propped myself up on a tilt for months and months on end. There were breastfeeding challenges too, but I persevered until eleven months because I’m stubborn as hell and probably did this to the detriment of my mental health. I didn’t want to be that mum that didn’t breastfeed. Terrible, I know. 

Then there were the physical changes - one’s I just wasn’t ready for. I saw a women’s health physio throughout pregnancy and regularly exercised, even running until 35 weeks pregnant with zero pelvic floor issues. But then it took me eleven months to properly return to running postpartum, as it took us this long to get to the bottom of why I was leaking as I had no obvious physical signs. We got there in the end, and thank goodness for that. (I eventually got up to running 30kms again, but didn’t run a full marathon as we went into lockdown again and eventually I got pregnant again). 

Then there’s the alone time that just totally disappeared and my day-to-day instantly became very different. I went from training 2-3 times a day, being able to see friends whenever, smashing out my work and being super efficient, to a total absorption of all of my time, doing something I had no idea how to do. A screaming baby as your boss isn’t easy, or fun. 

Chuck in a global pandemic and a move back across the world and you can see where I’m going with this… It was lonely and it was difficult. But at the time, I couldn’t differentiate between what was normal “new mum hard” and what was diagnosable postnatal depression.

So when my kid started sleeping through and I still felt off and still had intrusive thoughts, intense feelings of rage, and the resentment of being so far from my old life, I knew there was something very wrong. I started taking medication, which I still take, and it’s been hugely helpful in regulating my hormones. I noticed an improvement in my mood almost immediately. 

But I knew that more work needed to be done, especially when I was bringing a second child into the world, and that’s when I started regular therapy, which has been wonderful. Regular therapy is something I continue to do and I find it so beneficial in terms of self-development. 

It’s taken me two years to grow into the mother I want to be. You become a mother in an instant, but adjusting to it can take some time. I no longer cling to the idea that this is just temporary and I’ll be able to get my old life back - in some ways I know that this is all just a phase, but I also now accept that I won’t ever get my “old life back” and I’m okay with that. This is my new norm and I am learning to love it. I say “learning” because it’s ever-evolving and for every beautiful moment, there’s probably a hard one there too. But the hard moments are becoming less and less as I continue to adapt and improve my mothering skills. 

I can only do this with support. To this day I regularly see a top women’s health physio to help me physically, and I also see an amazing therapist to help me emotionally. I pay for both services privately and I am fortunate to be able do so. But more women need access to support, which is why I am so passionate about the cause and this foundation. Please give generously. It’s imperative that organisations such as Gidget Foundation are supported so that they can continue to provide such vital services to women in need, to spread awareness and educate the wider public about perinatal mental health.