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After a failed marriage and getting older, I succumbed to the idea that I would be that mad horse/dog/cat lady and to be honest that was ok. I love my animals and envisage a proper little funny farm full of furry four legged happiness in the future. What I didn’t anticipate was becoming a mum to my daughter 11 days before my 38th birthday. Indie Rose is the very centre of my universe, the love and pride was instant. She’s my reason for everything and I’m truly grateful that I am able to be her mother. To my utter confusion I developed symptoms of PND about 3 months after she was born. I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease and had some lingering health issues from her birth which is what I put my declining mental state down to. I also went back to work about then and did feel guilt and a fair bit of separation anxiety!! We needed the money but I needed my baby more!! I did seek medical advice and was promptly diagnosed with PND, prescribed medication and referred for counseling. That hurt more. I did not take the drugs, I could not attend counseling and I was at odds with the PND diagnosis? Did that make me a bad mum? What would people think and say? Why am I so sad when I absolutely adore my girl and wouldn’t harm her?
This went on for nearly 4yrs until unexpectedly the “reason” for my personal crises materialized. Overnight my sadness lifted. It also revealed many reasons for a lot of the turmoil in life previously.
I’ve always had anxiety. I learnt to deal with it. Depression is evident in my family. I did not subscribe to depression before I had my child. Yet now I still have “shady” and sometimes “dark” days….. I have lingering depression. I ask myself why and I believe it’s a conditioned habit I’ve created. How could this have been avoided?? Early intervention!! I should have made time for counseling, I should have felt comfortable having that conversation with loved ones. I should have reached out for some guidance! I truly wish I had of. It was a long 4yrs and robbed me of some happier moments with my gorgeous girl and perhaps would have made my close relationships a bit more manageable. Internalizing mental health is a dangerous path to forge. De-stigmatizing PND, Anxiety and what it “looks like” to be a new parent is paramount!!
I’m accepting donations for every parent suffering in silence, AND their kids who don’t know why mum or dad are sad….. our babies are watching us, learning how to adapt and survive. We need to teach them that our inherent sense of community has not been lost. That “it takes a village to raise a child” and that seeking support is not weak, it is wise!!
My Updates
The race….
Friday 12th Apr Why race 1000kms over 10 days on many different semi wild Mongolian horses?A friend won it in 2016. I find out via FB and had no prior knowledge of this concept existing. Immediately I was fascinated and drawn to the idea of galloping horses through stunning landscapes and testing my horsemanship skills and resilience out in all the elements. It costs a pretty penny to enter though so the idea was only a pipe dream for years…. Especially after my daughter was born in 2018…. More or less I gave away the horses to raise my child as I had neither the finances or support network to do both at once. I now know the main catalyst for my depression but I often wonder if the symptoms could have been eased a little by integrating the horses back into my daily a bit earlier. They have a way of making you be very present. Focusing on that one job for however long you ride definitely has therapy qualities… for me anyways!!
So my kid is a little older and the last couple of years she has shown me what true resilience is… we’ve had challenging times but she’s given me strength and determination to keep trying. So it was time to throw my hat in ring for the Derby… for her always but importantly for me…. From that initial phone call to interrogate my friend on all concerns I had before entering, the first knock back, when I gave up hope and stopped answering emails to getting that interview….. then being told I was in…. To wondering how the hell I was going to pay for it all….. it’s already been one hell of a ride!! I don’t hope for it to be worth it all, I know already that I’ve put in the hard yards and made sacrifices to get here. I’m just blessed for supportive friends, my legend of a kid and the opportunity to race against approx 40 other horse enthusiasts from around the world. We all will arrive early August for training days to test out gear, ride horses and get familiarised with the navigation devices. We have to be under 85kgs dressed and have weight limits on our backpack and saddle bags. This means a very limited amount of supplies that we anticipate will be needed. For 10 days we encounter diverse terrains, wild life and horse power. It literally is a true test of mettle and endurance. So back to my first question? Why? For me it’s to feel very much alive doing what I loved the most in this world before my daughter came along x
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